“Just stop stressing over it and you will get pregnant”…
“You look Stressed”…
These are the comments that send us spiraling when we are going through infertility! One of my clients, a brilliant kidney doctor, is consistently told by her mom, acupuncturist, and even masseuse that she looks stressed. And every time she hears it, she feels worse: like she’s doing something wrong or she’s the reason this isn’t working. But the truth is, she’s been through multiple egg retrievals, a failed transfer, and a heartbreaking miscarriage, and she still shows up every day to a high-pressure job where she is saving lives, all while silently carrying the weight of her fertility journey.
Of course, she looks stressed! It would be weird if she didn’t! So many of my clients stress about being stressed and worry that it’s the reason they’re not getting pregnant. And if this sounds like you, I want to reach out to you with compassion and remind you that you are experiencing a normal human reaction to an incredibly challenging season. It would be weird if you weren’t stressed!
You’re not doing anything wrong for being stressed; your mind and body are responding as they should. And it would be impossible to eliminate stress through infertility. Instead, it’s about giving yourself the tools and space to support your nervous system in a way that helps you feel more in control, more grounded, and less like you’re spiraling all the time.
Let’s Stop Shaming Ourselves for Looking Stressed
When people say things like, “You look stressed,” or, “Just stop stressing and it’ll happen,” it might be well-intentioned, but it often feels like blame. It implies that your stress is the problem, and if you could just “calm down,” everything would work out. And that’s just not how infertility works. These comments don’t make you feel better; they make you feel worse, as if you’re doing something wrong for having a completely normal human reaction to an overwhelming experience.
When I was TTC, I used to feel like I had to hide how hard it was. If I just acted normal enough, worked hard enough, or smiled through it, I wouldn’t make people uncomfortable, and I wouldn’t have to face their comments or judgments. I think that’s part of the reason that I lied about doing IVF. I felt like I had to push through it all.
But looking back, what I really needed was permission to feel what I was feeling and tools to hold that stress without letting it take over. That’s where mindfulness and meditation come in, not as a way to erase your stress, but as a way to meet yourself in it.
What the Research Says About Stress + Mindfulness
Yale professor, Laurie Santos, teaches “The Science of Well-Being” and shares that a wandering mind is an unhappy mind. And during infertility, our minds wander constantly:
“What if this didn’t work?”
“Should I have done something differently?”
“Why is everyone else getting pregnant?”
“Am I running out of time?”
That mental spiral doesn’t just make us feel stuck; it physically impacts our bodies too.
A Harvard study found that people who meditated for just 27 minutes a day for eight weeks experienced lower cortisol levels (the primary stress hormone) and a physical change in their brain: a smaller amygdala, the area responsible for fear, anxiety, and fight-or-flight responses.
Meditation has also been linked to:
Improved mood
More patience and kindness
Better decision-making
Sharper focus
A stronger sense of social connection
It’s not a quick fix, but it is a powerful tool to help you feel more grounded, clear, and supported as you move through this season.
But What If Meditation Feels Awkward or Intimidating?
It did for me too. I used to think it was only for people who were naturally calm and centered. That definitely wasn’t me: I was anxious, restless, and stuck in my head. But I gave it a try anyway. I started with a few minutes a day using the Headspace app. Later, I took a course called Ziva Meditation, which taught me a simple mantra-based technique I now use daily.
But you don’t need to take a course to get started.
Try This Simple Mindfulness Practice
The Relaxation Response, developed by Dr. Herbert Benson at Harvard, is a great place to start.
Here’s how:
Choose a calming word (like hope, peace, safe, or trust).
Sit in a quiet space and take slow, steady breaths.
Gently repeat your word on each exhale.
When thoughts pop up (they will!), notice them without judgment, and come back to your word.
You can also ground yourself in the five senses:
👀 What do you see?
👃 What do you smell?
👂 What do you hear?
👄 What can you taste?
✋ What do you feel around you?
Or try breathwork:
2x Breathing: Inhale for 2, exhale for 4
Box Breathing: Inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4
You can also watch the video of Dr Herbert Benson walking you through how to elicit the Relaxation Response here.
There’s No “Wrong” Way to Do This
You might feel silly or distracted at first, and that is completely normal. When you notice a thought entering, gently let it go and return to your mantra. The more you practice, the better you will get and the more comfortable you will feel.
Just like we build physical strength by going to the gym, we build mental strength through regular practice. When we meditate consistently, we actually change the structure of our brains and strengthen our ability to cope, focus, and remain grounded, especially during challenging times.
Over time, these tiny moments of stillness begin to reshape your brain and build emotional resilience. They remind you how capable you are and that you can do hard things, even when it doesn’t feel that way.
Maybe the Simpler Path Is the Most Powerful One
Did you know that meditation and medicine come from the same Latin root, mederi, which means to heal? Sometimes healing looks like a doctor’s visit or lab results. Sometimes it looks like sitting quietly with yourself for 5 minutes and breathing.
If you're ready to try, I’ve collected a list of fertility-focused meditations (right here on my resource page).
And if you want guidance or someone to walk alongside you in this practice, I’d be honored to support you. Mindfulness and meditation have truly changed my life, and that’s why I’m so passionate about sharing them with you.
You don’t have to hide your stress.
You don’t have to carry it alone.
You just have to begin, exactly as you are.🙏✨
Want to Go Deeper?
If you’re looking for more inspiration or want to explore these ideas further, here are a few resources I love:
Can Stress Actually Make It Harder to Get Pregnant? – SELF Magazine
This article offers a clear look at what research shows: daily stress usually doesn’t prevent pregnancy, but intense or chronic stress might create challenges, and no matter what, you’re not to blame.
Psychology Today Herbert Benson Relaxation Response
A simple, research-backed technique for calming your nervous system and getting grounded in the present moment.Ted Talk Jill Bolte Taylor
This talk brings me to tears every time. While it’s not specific to infertility, it’s a powerful reminder of the healing potential of our right brain, and why mindfulness and presence are so important, especially during seasons of uncertainty.
